Rebecca Davis

AFA Journal staff writer

January 2016 – After losing two children to miscarriage, Kristi Bothur looked without success for a support group in her hometown of Columbia, South Carolina. Her Internet search for “pregnancy loss support” yielded only articles about weight-loss after pregnancy and articles from Planned Parenthood.

“I wanted to change that,” she told AFA Journal.

And she has. In 2010, she founded Naomi’s Circle, a ministry to bereaved parents who have lost a child through miscarriage or during the first year after birth. Named after the first child she and her husband Eric (a Baptist pastor) lost, the ministry was initially a website to help publicize and circulate resources for bereaved parents in Columbia.

From the website, which continues to house a wealth of resources, came two local support groups, one for pregnancy loss and one for moms who are pregnant after having lost a child in pregnancy. The ministry became more visible through its website and its Mommy 2 Mommy outreach program, and most recently through its presence on Facebook where there is a private group with nearly 100 local Columbia members as well as a closed group for those outside the Columbia area.

“I desperately needed someone to tell me that my grieving process was normal and that I would survive, and no one can say that as convincingly as another parent who has walked this road,” Bothur said.

The Bothurs have lost five babies to miscarriages, and she realized early on that she was not alone in her losses, though isolated in her grief.

According to the American Pregnancy Association and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, “miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss.” It is “a pregnancy that ends on its own, within the first 20 weeks of gestation,” and “anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage.”

Stillbirth is another form of pregnancy loss that affects over 25,000 families a year. According to the National Stillbirth Society, it is “the intrauterine death and subsequent delivery of a developing infant that occurs beyond 20 completed weeks of gestation.” About 1 in 160 pregnancies ends in stillbirth.

Even for every 1,000 live births, six of those babies die within their first year of life, the CDC reports. In the U.S. in 2013, 23,000 infants died.

The need for knowing how to manage and respond to such loss and grief is great.

Misunderstood
People who have never experienced pregnancy or infant loss do not understand it. It is a different type of loss that brings about different struggles and even a different sense of grief, Bothur explained.

“The bereaved parents do not have the ‘typical’ memories or memorabilia that one normally has when a loved one has died,” she said. “We may never even get to hold our baby, yet we have a profound sense of loss and grief.”

In reality, more often than not, bereaved parents are made to feel that their loss and grief is not as legitimate as the grief from losing a spouse or parent or even an older child. Miscarriage and infant loss are often uncomfortable to talk about, making the bereaved parents feel alone and even guilty for being so sad. Such loss can take a toll on a marriage because men and women grieve so differently.

It can shatter a woman’s sense of security, self-image, and future expectations. But it is not just the woman who suffers. Men do too. It is a common misunderstanding that pregnancy loss is a women’s issue. Bothur firmly believes it is a men’s issue too.

“My husband also lost five children, but the grief of a father is often overlooked in the general concern for the mother’s well-being, both physical and emotional,” Bothur said. It is important for men to have a voice in the conversation about pregnancy and infant loss, and it is her hope that Naomi’s Circle is helping bring that about.

Uninformed
Bothur also believes it is equally important for the church to have a right understanding of pregnancy and infant loss. She thinks the lack of understanding is the result of the church’s inadequate theology of suffering.

“[Unfortunately] church can be a very painful place to be after a loss,” Bothur said. “Families are front and center, and there are often lots of babies and pregnant bellies to remind you of what you do not have. You may not be on good speaking terms with God after a loss, and yet fellow churchgoers will share platitudes like ‘God knows best’ or ‘She’s in a better place’ or quote Scriptures in such a way that your grief is made minimal rather than recognized and validated.”

She admitted, “We don’t know what to do with our faith when God allows babies to die or does not answer our prayers the way we want.”

The church becomes afraid to confront such loss and wrestle with deep questions from bereaved parents about God’s role in suffering. The failure to do so only results in bereaved parents being pushed farther from the Truth and the comfort they are so desperately seeking. Naomi’s Circle provides practical advice to help individuals and churches know how to respond.

Understood
Bereaved parents just want to be understood and not forgotten, wherever they may be. That is why Naomi’s Circle seeks to glorify Christ by offering comfort to and sharing the hope of the gospel with them by 1) providing direct encouragement both online and in person through support groups and online connections; 2) connecting them with resources such as websites, articles, music, books, local counselors, and funeral homes; and 3) raising community and church awareness of the issue of pregnancy and infant loss and the unique needs of bereaved parents.

“We hope in the future to have a role in training others to reach out compassionately to bereaved parents, especially in the church,” Bothur said.

Until then, churches, friends, families, and the bereaved can find practical and helpful information on the ministry’s website and stay up-to-date with Bothur on Facebook (facebook.com/kristi.bothur). She is also willing to advise and instruct anyone interested in starting a similar ministry. But she encourages all to raise awareness in their own communities about pregnancy and infant loss.

“We have seen members of Naomi’s Circle move from being completely broken to being whole, able to find joy again, and even reach out to other parents with hope,” Bothur said. “Many say that they have been able to do so because of the support they found in our group.”   

Kristi Bothur is a former public school teacher, a homeschool mom to Lydia (7) and Caleb (3), a musician, a writer, and a blogger. In all that she does, she seeks to point people to Christ and equip them with resources to aid them in coping with pregnancy and infant loss. Learn more at naomiscircle.org or call 803-728-1162.

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Recommended resources
▶ thissideofheaven.weebly.com (Bothur’s blog)
▶ Dear Mom of a Baby in Heaven
▶ rainbowsandredemption.weebly.com (A devotional blog edited by Bothur)
▶ naomiscircle.org (Links to other articles and resources)
▶ hannah.org (Christian support for infertility and loss)